Laughs

We're adding jokes, funny lists, naughty tales, one-liners and humorous quotes all the time. Want to share yours with other solos? Please email us at sololadylaughs@sololady.com

One Liners from George Carlin

• I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.
• You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I’ll bet they’d really enjoy going to school everyday.
• I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
• In this country, alcohol is hardly ever seen as a drug problem. Instead, we think of it as more of a driving problem. 
• I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.   
• There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?
• You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
• I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don’t talk, he works out alone, and I go home.
• Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
• You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.
• People on a diet should have a salad dressing called "250 Islands."
• If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
• Here's my idea for another one of those "reality-based" TV shows: "No Survivors!" One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all of the "Survivor" survivors. Think of it as a public service.
• You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
• Regarding jam sessions: jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue working for free.
• Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?
• I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on the wall.
• When you think about it, 12:15 p.m. is actually 11:75 a.m.
• Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of.
• I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
• One thing nice about being dead is that you immediately become eligible to appear on stamps and money.

—Compiled by Michael Pasternak and Kevin Pang

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Question to Gore Vidal, in an interview: "Were you chaste?"

Retort: " Chased by whom?"

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You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

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I saw a butterfly with a tattoo of a teenage girl on its wing.

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Ah yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams

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Cost-Effective

Wisdom of Dolly Parton

There’s two kinds of mountain women: the kind that get married and have a bunch of kids, and the kind that stay single and have a bunch of kids.

Someone told me I should run for president. Don’t you think that we’ve had enough boobs in the White House?

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Post Faves

To assemble this collection of jokes, The New York Post contacted dozens of comics, ranging from top-dollar headliners in Vegas to regulars on Late Night and The Daily Show to up-and-comers who do alt-comedy at local bars. We asked them to tell us the best gag they'd written in the past year and their favorite punch line delivered by another comedian. So according to some of the funniest people on earth, these are the 50 most hilarious jokes of the last 12 months, whether they were told in nightclubs, on television or around a platter of fries at a late-night diner meal. Feel free to incite your own laugh riot.

Roseanne

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

Jackie Mason

Hillary Clinton says she's the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "Wait, let's get his wife."

Lisa Lampanelli

I was watching Gene Simmons' TV show, "Family Jewels." Or as it's known in the business, " 'The Osbournes' Without the Talented Father."

Laura Kightlinger

After miraculously surviving two heart surgeries, pneumonia and a mild stroke, at 82 my grandfather was no longer able to care for himself. Now he lives with my aunt who spoon-feeds him, takes him to the bathroom, etc. Proof that what doesn't kill you makes you a burden to someone else.

Bill Maher

Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now?

Bobby Slayton

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

Jeffrey Ross

John McCain is so old that running for President is on his bucket list.

Tomi Walamies

My uncle is in a coma - he's living the dream. (Paul Provenza's favorite)

Nick Dipaolo

I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change for the past 10 years. I want to see what it feels like for a black guy to give me change.

Artie Lange

Alex Rodriguez never gets clutch hits in October, yet his fans insist on comparing him to Babe Ruth. So A-Rod tries to get as close as he can to Ruth-type achievements. Before the playoffs last year, A-Rod went to a hospital and promised a dying kid that he'd ground out to second Base for him. And I was at the game, people, it's true - A-Rod pointed to second Base.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

At the Tony Awards: I'm here with Harvey Fierstein, nominated tonight for the "I Hate Vagina Monologues."

Seth Herzog

I took nine years of French, but I can't remember any of it. I realized on the plane ride over that if someone doesn't ask me what color my hat is, I'll have nothing to talk about for two weeks.

Earthquake

You know why the US can't find Osama Bin Laden? They're using the wrong agency to look for him. Don't send the Army, Navy, Marines or the CIA - send Child Support!

Harland Williams

I was eating an orange the other day and a friend said, "Did you know nothing rhymes with 'orange?' " So, I threw the orange at his head and said, "Now your face is swollen red 'cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with 'orange,' you jackass?"

Conan O'Brien

To America, there's just something about Charlie Sheen working with children that "feels right."

(Bill Maher's favorite)

Wendy Liebman

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.

Seth Meyers

During a "Weekend Update" segment about Eliot Spitzer: And you wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn't want to wear a condom? Really?!? That might not be scary if you were client number 1, but you were client number 9. I wear a condom if I'm ninth in line at the deli.

(Robert "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog" Smigel's favorite)

Hannibal Buress

I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don't know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.

Louis C.K.

On his daughter's diaper: There was so much poop. It didn't look like a baby's poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump

(Nick Dipaolo's favorite)

Emo Philips

Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them!

Nick Thune

Tupac Shakur's mother was a Black Panther. His father was a regular panther. (Russell Peters' favorite)

Jonathan Katz

I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.

Jim Florentine

I'm sick of Heather Mills. Now that she's divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their stumps together.

Ophira Eisenberg

I'm still in my first marriage. I know, it's wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.

Jim Norton

I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.

Sean Keane

My girlfriend said, "I hate it when you finish my sentences." So I said, "Period."

(Harland Williams' favorite)

George Carlin

Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection?

(Jackie Mason's favorite)

Greg Proops

They say Hillary Clinton has a bad personality. Really? I forgot about Dick Cheney's wow factor.

Robert Duchaine

Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

(Bobby Slayton's favorite)

David Brenner

Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon. President Bush said, "See, I told you it wasn't only in our country!"

John Oliver

One hundred and fifty years ago, England was fueled primarily from burning Catholics. It's a naturally renewable resource.

(Seth Herzog's favorite)

Liam McEneaney

They say gay people have "gaydar," which lets them figure out who else is gay. Waiters in expensive restaurants have something similar, called "poor-dar." They always know I shouldn't be there, and I can tell by the way they talk to me: "Sir, can I take your coat - out back and burn it?" "Can I call you a car - or will you be riding a boxcar out of town?"

Carolyn Castiglia

My mom says to me, "Honey, I don't want you to think I have diabetes because I'm fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family." I said, "No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!" (Adira Amram's favorite)

David Wain

Have you heard they're doing a sequel to "Brokeback Mountain?"

No, what's it called?

"Brokeback Mountain 2."

Desiree Burch

I don't wear vanilla-scented lotion or perfume. Most girls love that crap, but I can't do it. 'Cause I can't be the fat girl that smells like Rice Krispie treats. Can't do it. People are all like, "God, Desiree! Did you eat again?!"

Marc Maron

It's significant Barack Obama is running. I think it's important for black people to have a chance to be misrepresented by one of their own.

(Greg Proops' favorite)

Todd Levin

I just got engaged. My fiancée won't take my name because "Lisa Levin" sounds awful. So she's just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand - it's a family name.

Josh Comers

I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick "Me Kick" signs on my back. Then everyone thought I was the bully - with bad grammar and the courtesy to give a heads up.

(Liam McEneaney's favorite)

Freddie Roman

A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, "Oh, my God!" She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, "Watch out for the wall!" (David Wain's favorite)

Dave Attell

I hate to travel. I guess it's because my father used to beat me with a globe.

(Todd Levin's favorite)

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The Virgin

A woman was on her deathbed. She called her daughter over, and she whispered in her daughter's ear, "I have a confession to make. I'm a virgin."

"But mother," the daughter said. "You've had seven children."

"Yes, my dear. But I never participated."

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One Question

A woman goes to a palm reader and hears that her husband will die a violent death. She asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

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The Biker

A Choice

An 89-year-old man marries an 87-year-old woman. They go on a honeymoon and rent a nice big house at the beach. The first night she goes to bed first and calls downstairs to him, "Would you like to come upstairs and make love?"

He calls back, "Which one? I can't do both."

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A Sista Pledge of Real Bad-Ass Friendship

Laughing is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot. 

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Five Best Things to Say if You're Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4 : "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3 : "Whew!? Guess I left the top off the White-out.You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... in Jesus' name, Amen.

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Their Sex Life

One failure on / Top of another. -- A. R. Ammons

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Six Servings of Diner Slang (from americandinermuseum.org)

Two cows, make them cry: two burgers with onions

Zeppelins in a fog: sausages and mashed potatoes

Shingle with a shimmy and a shake: buttered taost with jam

Blowout patches: pancakes

City juice: water

Customer will take a chance: hash

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The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "II cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop's happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.  The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

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A Moose Tale

Two young hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says the plane can take only four moose. The two lads object strongly, 

"Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."   

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane can't handle the load and goes down a few moments after takeoff.  

Climbing out of the wreck battered and bruised, one young hunter asks the other, "Any idea where we are?' 

"Yaaah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"  

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Whew!

The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland (The Netherlands).
She is 7'4' and weighs 320

What a relief! Now we all know we aren't overweight -- just too short!

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10 Jokes About Seniors (we'll all get there if we're lucky)

$20

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

(That's when she shot him. )

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Two Lines

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter the Pearly Gates, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households, and the other line will be for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." 

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their households, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.  I created you to be the heads of your households! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!  Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

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Letter to Our Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here.You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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Star Struck --True Story

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new  England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long  walk.  After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat  herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped  in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to  the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.There was only one other patron in the store.Paul Newman, sitting at the counter  having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue  eyes.The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

"Pull yourself together!" she chided  herself. "You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!"

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but  her other hand was empty.  Where's my ice cream cone?  Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something.  No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.  His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin andhe said to the  woman,

"You  put it in your purse."

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Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder ---We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia ---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic ---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic ---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid ---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder ---Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder ---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder ---Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

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A Poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre 

Winter. S--t. It's cold!

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Voted Best Short Joke of 2007

For his birthday, little Ben asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." 

The next day the father saw little Ben heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"  Little Ben told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. So I'm not staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

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So Far, So Good

So far today I have not been nasty, grumpy, or selfish and I have not lost my temper. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged anything on my credit card.

I will be getting out of bed in a minute.

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Back to Ya'

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching ateenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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 Good Coordination

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and a gorgeous solo lady is sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, romantic time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

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Earned Increase

The Maid wanted a pay increase. Madam was very upset about this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: " Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase."

"First, I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria, "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh"

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam: ( very upset now ) "Did the Master say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

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The Parrot

Laura “Pickles” Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.

 She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart!  George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

 "Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean.”

 "That's okay," Laura replied.  "Neither does the parrot".

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So True

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing!

What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f---in' wall."

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#1 Rated Pick-Up Line in Lower Slobovia

"Nice tooth!"

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.    

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

(The pharmacist fainted.)

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Husbands are like guns ... keep one around for long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it!

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A Miracle?

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading  
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I
wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes. But the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Age and treachery will overcome youth and skill, and BS and brilliance come with age and experience.

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Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

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Stress Reliever

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "George W. Bush." (or anybody you don't care for)
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George W. Bush ?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7.Feel better???

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Q&A About Retirees

Q: When is a retiree's bedtime? A: Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.

Q: How many retirees are needed to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it might take all day.

Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A: Tied shoes.

Q: Why are retirees so slow in cleaning out the attic? A: As soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

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Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly," she said, "but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. And as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

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It's impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desireable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. Woody Allen

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The Blonde Diet

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger?" "No. From skipping." _____

Healthcare Today

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W. C. Fields

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Come Hither

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small "member."

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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The Elderly Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the? undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved: "RETURNED UNOPENED"

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Who?

A husband and wife were at a marriage therapist. "What's the problem?" the therapist asked.

The man pointed to his wife. "What's-her-face thinks I don't pay enough attention to her."

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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -- - Maryon Pearson

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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary  

 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.  My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!  There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of  "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.  I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now....

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Useful Math Conversions

The Five Stages of a Woman's Life

To grow up, to fill out, to slim down, to hold it in, and -- to hell with it.

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Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max figured maybe he had a cold or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week, Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park, and there sat Wally! Max was very excited to see him. Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"

Wally replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?," cried Max. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me, and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud that everyone would think an old fart like me could still do it, that when I got into court, I pled guilty."

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

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Politically Correct

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore:
ABOUT WOMEN:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW-COST PROVIDER."

ABOUT MEN:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES 
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

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Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

_____

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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Always There

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motions for her to come nearer.

As she sits by him, he whispers, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asks, smiling as her heart begins to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the f--k away from me!"

_____

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?  Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still  tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow  job I promised you? Here it comes!."

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Adam and Eve

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do  something for  me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
  
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
  
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
  
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
  
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over
The hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said...
  
  
          "What's a  headache?"

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Solo Lady Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy
to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive
men.
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
man.
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are
interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have
difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in
her chest.

and..

FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the
man to be "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the
talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

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Double Whammy

A doctor tells a new mom that her newborn baby is an hermaphrodite.

"What's that," asks the mom.

"The baby has both male and female organs."

"You mean," says the mother, "the baby has a penis and a brain!"

______

Enough Already

Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Fred and his wife make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more time before I die?"  She says, "Of course,dear." And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey,do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

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Computer Gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender  ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half  your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are  the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

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A Political Joke

Life, Backwards, in 12 Steps

No Risks

A woman and her nasty, unfaithful husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away. The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150." 

The woman thought about it and told the undertaker she would just have him shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend  only $150?"

The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance!"

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