Solo Living Features

Here we offer in-depth ways to embrace living on your own.

Scroll down to read all, or click on ... Foods That Fight Wrinkles ... Tips for Dining Alone ... Break Ups -Not So Hard ... How to End an Office Affair ... Dozens of Great Spas and Theme Vacations ... Find Things! ... Have a (Healthy!) Heart -- And Avoid Strokes ... Spring Cleaning, Post-Divorce ... About 'Domestic Violence' ... Guys Tell Us About Dating ... Women & Retirement ... How Much Do Looks Count?. ... Don't Clean These! ... What Older Men Want in Bed ... 10 Tips for Internet Job Hunting ... Never Too Late For Love ... Clean in Minutes ... Choosing the Right Roommate ... 10 Ways to Spot a Loser ... Night Driving Tips ... Great Sex! ... Staving Off Food Cravings ... 8 Salary Boosters ... The Perfect Personal Ad ... Finding a Good Mechanic ... Casual Flings? ... He's Not the Marrying Type ... Eat Healthy ... Fun Solo Experiences! ... 10 Reasons Men Leave ... (Happy) Truths About Singles ... Avoiding Solo Hassles

For past entries, please click here for Solo Living Features archives

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Foods That Fight Wrinkles 

Tips to Make Dining Alone a Piece of Cake

by Lea Lane

I like sharing meals with others, but we all find ourselves with the option of eating solo at some time or other. In my book, Solo Traveler: Tales and Tips for Great Trips, I devote a whole chapter to the topic, and I've come up with some snappy suggestions to make the most of dining alone, including these:

Do lunch. Many great restaurants are open midday. Besides being less expensive, eating solo in the daytime is no big deal. You look like you're on business. Many others will be solo too. Daylight is just less daunting.

Book right. Use a title if you have one, mention that this meal is a special occasion and ask for a specific table. This might not get you the best seating, but it might keep you from the worst.

Look good. I feel better about most things when I know I'm looking my best. And when you dine alone at a fine restaurant, if you're noticed you might as well be admired.

Come early. For me, it's easier to be seated already than to walk into a room full of couples. Entering a festive room alone can be a Moment, whether all eyes are on me or not. I'm working on this, because it's fun to be a minor star, even for that moment.

Get comfy. It's easy grabbing a burger when the décor is red and yellow and the host is a clown. But when I want to eat a fine meal, eating outside or facing into the room, for some reason, makes me more comfy. Find your comfort zone.

Don't accept a lousy table. I've sat near busboy stations, swinging doors, and toilets too many times. Now I politely hold out. I was once told that a choice table by the window was a "romantic" table and I said that I was a romantic person and wanted to let the manager know. I got the table.

Sit at the bar. Sushi is easy: I kibbutz with the sushimeisters, or the people at my elbows. If you don't like raw fish, choose a restaurant with bar seating or a communal table.

Offer to share a table. This is commonplace in some foreign countries. I once sat at a small table with an elderly couple at Fortnum and Mason tea room in London. The man fell asleep in his scones and clotted cream and started snoring. I could barely contain my giggles.

Have something to do. If service is leisurely it can feel awkward between courses. (I do tune in to others' conversations and enjoy the surroundings, but that can become boring when it's hours.) When I travel to other countries I carry a language book and use alone dining moments to learn new words. Other options besides reading: pen and paper, techie gadgets, even a small laptop. I don't talk loudly on a cell. (I do sometimes check my calls, or even pretend to). I wouldn't knit or file my nails. Or sing. I sometimes do kegels and smile.

Time it right. Fine dining can take an entire evening, but you can finesse that if you prefer. Cutting back a course means a less costly meal and fewer calories. Two courses or several starters might be a compromise. I've even ordered dessert to go (skip the sorbets) so I don't miss a thing except the overpriced coffee.

Connect with your server. The waitstaff at good restaurants is especially attentive to solo diners, especially if you smile and chat a bit. I've conversed better and laughed more with some servers than most of my dinner companions.

Wear my favorite prop: sunglasses. When I'm behind cool shades I figure people wonder who I am, not why I'm by myself. Plus, I'm able to watch things without others realizing it. I have several pairs.

Dining solo is not just about the eating. It's a head game. You can focus on all senses without distraction. You have the freedom to appreciate the polished silver, flirt with the server, plan a new business, or make eye contact with a stranger across the room. You have the time to imagine, and the power to make others imagine about you.

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Breaking Up is (Not) Hard to Do

by Jeana Bryner

Breaking up is hard to do for solos, but not as hard as we think. New research suggests we overestimate the heart-crushing blow from a romantic split, and some of us make particularly inaccurate forecasts.

"We're not saying breakup is a good time. We're not recommending it," said lead researcher Paul Eastwick, a psychologist at Northwestern University in Illinois. "But it's less bad than people think."

In the moments following the breakup phone call (or text message), life can seem like a cruel joke that will never end. The new study, detailed in the May issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, shows that not only does life snap back to pre-breakup mode twice as fast as one would predict, that initial split is not nearly as crushing as expected. Several heartbreak helpers — unbeknownst to us at the time — apparently kick in to counter the blow.

The results shed light on a general human phenomenon — we are bad at predicting the distress of emotional events, ranging from disappointing election results to lost football games.

Hookups and breakups

For nine months, the researchers monitored nearly 70 freshmen at Northwestern University who had been dating someone for at least two months at the study start.

Every other week, participants completed a quick online survey, indicating levels of distress and happiness, how in love he or she was and whether he or she could imagine being in another relationship. Students also reported when their relationships had ended, if that were the case, and who initiated the split.

If participants still were in a relationship, they answered some forecasting questions: "If your relationship were to end some time within the next two weeks, to what degree will you agree with this statement in two [four, eight, twelve] weeks:"

• "In general, I am pretty happy these days."
• "I am extremely upset my relationship ended."

If participants reported a breakup, they indicated their level of distress and happiness.

Within six months, 26 students reported their romantic relationships had ended. Overall, the participants recovered emotionally in about 10 weeks. While the students did indicate their distress would decline over time, they way overshot the level of initial angst. "It would've taken about double that amount if you'd gone by their predictions," Eastwick said.

Individuals who reported being in love with a partner and those who were on the receiving end of a breakup showed the poorest insight, forecasting an unrealistic level of love-lost sickness.

Faulty forecasts

Several psychological factors could explain these faulty forecasts.

"One explanation is this idea that people are really resilient," Eastwick told LiveScience. "They often don't realize the kinds of psychological defense mechanisms they'll use at the drop of a hat."

For instance, you might focus on the ex's obnoxious habits or other annoying quirks (even ones that may have been cute in the moment).

Often during a breakup, people sort of equip themselves with blinders to anything non-breakup related. "Life goes on in the wake of a breakup," Eastwick said. "And when you're making your predictions, you aren't thinking about all the things that could be positive that might happen in the next week or two."

Another contributor: our stubborn beliefs. "If you have a belief or theory that breakup is 'X' amount bad, it's hard to change that," Eastwick said. "It requires people to really sit down and analyze their own emotions over time. And people typically don't do that kind of thing."

The study was funded by the National Science Foundation.

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How to End an Office Affair

You've been sleeping with a co-worker (married or not). You know it’s time to end what has become a very intense and very difficult situation. You don’t want to quit work, you don’t want to be fired and you just don’t know what to do.

1. Keep it short and simple. “To end a workplace affair, be direct." Suggests Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist.  Here are the exact words to use:

 
2. Do it on your own time, not office time. “Tell them in person and in public area where a scene is less likely to take place. Do not break off the affair at the office,” explains Stephany Alexander, CEO of, a Web site devoted to research on men and relationships.

3. Make it final. “When you end an affair, make it clear to your affair partner that you are ending it completely,” notes Mona Barbera, relationships author, “with no more friendship, e-mails, or lunches. Be consistent. If you waver, look inside yourself and find out why."

4. Be kind. “Office affairs and romantic relationships at work must be handled delicately and on a case by case basis. Ask the person to respect your privacy and interact only for work related purposes,” said Paul F. Davis, relationships author.

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Dozens of Great Spas and Theme Vacations

by Dian Larkin

Solo women need to get refreshed, and here are some ways to do it!

Get pampered from head to toe and return refreshed. Escape to a day spa regularly. Visit www.dayspafyi.com, www.dayspaassociation.com, for direction. Specific recommendations include Gurney's Inn, Montauk, New York (The Hamptons), www.gurneys-inn.com; The Inn Spa at Poplar Springs, Casanova, Virginia (D.C.), http://poplarsprings.com; The Spa at Four Seasons, Chicago, Illinois, www.fourseasons.com. For therapeutic massage, a discipline gaining popular followings everywhere, visit http://a-zhealingmassage.com.

Specialty Spas

Many spas do double duty as neo-boot camps, getting us on the right mind, body and spirit track. Specific ideas include: Green Mountain at Fox Run, Ludlow, Vermont, www.fitwoman.com; Green Valley Fitness Resort & Spa, St. George, Utah, www.greenvalleyspa.com; Hilton Head Health Institute, Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, www.hhhealth.com; CalAVie, Vista, California, www.cal-a-vie.com; Canyon Ranch, Tuscon, Arizona, www.canyonranch.com; Miraval, Southern Arizona, www.miravalresort.com; Chiva-Som, Thailand, www.chivasom.com. Also visit www.destinationspas.com, www.spafinder.com, www.spaindex.com, www.hiking.com, and www.realadventures.com.  

Holistic Spas

Other spas offer holistic, semi-medical treatments to rejuvenate, including popular Ayurevdic practices. Take a look at: Elemental Embrace, Ontario, Canada, www.elementalembrace.com; Delphi Mountain Resort & Spa, Galway, Ireland, www.delphiescape.com; The Raj Ayurveda Health Spa, Fairfield, Iowa, www.theraj.com; the annual Women's Wellness Retreat at the Cliff House Resort & Spa, Ogunquit, Maine, www.cliffhousemaine.com.

For something completely different, consider Iceland's renowned geo-thermal spas: www.tourist.reykjavik.is.   

Learning Vacations

Learning vacations and tours offer travel, new people with shared interests, learning, and fun. Visit www.shawguides.com, www.learningvacations.com, and www.greatlearningvacations.com. Consider: The Chopra Center for Well Being, La Jolla, California, www.chopra.com; and The Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, Hudson Valley, New York, www.eomega.org. Over 50? Check out Elder Hostel learning, travel, new people and new experiences never stop! www.elderhostel.org.

For specific learning vacations consider golf, sailing, cooking, and more. Cooking: www.adadianfarm.com/cookingschool.html, www.foodvacation.com, www.azoreswalks.com, www.troutpoint.com, www.theinternationalkitchen.com, www.cookingshoolofaspen.com. Sailing, www.sailingschool.com. Golf, tennis, languages, www.learningvacations.com. You get the idea!   

Adventure Vacations

Combine adventure with relaxation, luxury and spa services,  personal challenge and spiritual connection. Some ideas include: River Odysseys West and Adventure Travel primarily singles, primarily women, www.rowinc.com and www.adventuretravelworldwide.com. Singles adventure tour operators include: www.trekamerica.com, www.meetmarketadventures.com and http://gorptravel.away.com. Ask the following adventure tours and resorts about singles specials: The Lodge at Chaa Creek, Belize, www.chaacreek.com; Northern Lights Expeditions, www.seakayaking.com; Clayquot Wilderness Resorts, www.wildretreat.com.

High-tail it to the high seas and a better climate on  these lines which cater to solos: CruiseOne, www.YourOwnCabin.com; Cruise West, www.cruisewest.com, www.singles-cruises-tours.com, www.singlescruise.com, www.singlestravelintl.com, www.windjammer.com, www.allsinglestravel.com, Carnival Cruise Lines offer singles deals from time to time as well, www.carnival.com. Also, Peter Deilmann River Cruises, www.deilman-cruises.com. Also, Norwegian Coastal Voyage, www.norwegiancoastalvoyage.com or Intrav European Riverboat Cruises, www.intrav.com, and http://rivers.affordabletours.com, www.smallshipcruises.com.

How about a singles-welcoming resort in a sunny locale? Top singles recommendation: The BodyHoliday at LeSport, St. Lucia, www.lesport.com.lc or http://thebodyholiday.com (give us your body for a week and we'll give you back your mind) offers singles rates and solo rooms.

Take a girls-only trip, and consider New York City, London, Paris, Honolulu, Puerto Valharta, Los Vegas, or Victoria British Columbia. Review Getaways for the Girls at www.expedia.com.

Check out dude ranches (you never know when a cowpoke might come in handy!) Visit www.roadandtravel.com and www.cstn.org for specifically singles dude ranch vacations. General dude ranch directories are www.duderanch.org and www.duderanches.com.  

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Sock it to Me (and Other Ways to Find Things)

When you're on your own, you'll especially appreciate these ideas!

When doing the laundry, put all the socks into a lingerie bag to keep them neatly contained, says Kathy Webb, a mother of three from Sterling, Virginia. You could also try Sock Locks ($3 for a pack of 20, www.sock-locks.com), plastic disks that firmly grip the tops or toes of a pair of socks.

Keep a bag in your drawer for singletons, so if a missing sock resurfaces, you know right where to find its mate.When kids remove their socks, always have them stuff them into their shoes, where they’ll stay put.

Other ideas, for pets, remotes, eyeglasses, credit cards, phones, bills, keys from Real Simple magazine:

• Make sure your pet is properly tagged and licensed. And consider an ID microchip, suggests Ruth Goldstein of the ASPCA. This tiny metal chip is injected between your pet’s shoulder blades. Animal-control authorities routinely scan lost animals for chips.

• “Use a standard leash, not a retractable one,” says Seth Edelstein, owner of New York City dog-walking service Walkee Doggie. The small plastic handle of a retractable leash is harder to hold on to if your dog bolts

• Clip the leash to your dog’s collar or harness and to a nylon safety choke collar ($3 to $6, www.bowwowshop.com). If the regular collar breaks, the safety collar will save the day.

• Use Velcro to attach the remote to the side of the TV when it's not in use.

• Use an electronic finder system, such as the Smart Find Remote Control Key Locator ($60, www.brookstone.com

• If you primarily use your sunglasses for driving, "leave them in the car," says James O'Connor, president of Clutter Control, a home-organization service in Lake Forest, Illinois. "Or designate a place for them near the front or back door. Don't bring them any further into your home, where they may be misplaced."

• Designate a fabric-lined tray for your reading glasses next to your chair or nightstand. Don't set them down anywhere else.

• Use an eyeglass chain to keep your specs securely on your neck ($18, www.snootyjewelry.com)

• Get eyeglass cases in bright colors to make locating them easier ($3 to $20 for various models, www.debspecs.com)

• Keep all your credit cards in the same wallet.
• When making a purchase, keep your card in view at all times, and ask for it back as soon as the cashier has completed the transaction.
• Photocopy your credit cards, front and back, making sure the customer-service phone numbers are legible. Put the copies in your filing cabinet under C. If you lose a card and need to cancel it, you’ll have all the necessary numbers ready.
• Always store your phone in the same pocket of your purse.
• Keep your phone in a case and “use the clip on the case to attach it to the pocket,” says Nokia’s Keith Nowak. “If the purse tips over, the phone won’t go flying out.”
• If your phone has a strap, make a habit of wearing it on your wrist. Or wear it like a necklace on a chain or a lanyard around your neck.
• Always keep your charger plugged into the same outlet, preferably one in plain view.
• Create one convenient spot for all bills, ideally a separate basket alongside your other mail, and keep all your bill-paying needs -- checkbook, calculator, stamps, return-address labels -- nearby.
• Always keep keys in the exact same place: Hang them on a hook on your doorjamb (be sure it’s out of reach of kids or pets), or put them in a designated basket near the door. “Being organized is really not rocket science,” says Barry Izsak, president of the National Association of Professional Organizers. “It’s about doing something in a systematic way and sticking to it.” Make not one but two backup sets of your keys, says real estate broker Tom Polley of the Corcoran Group, in Brooklyn, whose job requires handling dozens of sets of keys at a time. “Keep one set in your desk drawer,” he says, “and give a set to a friend who lives nearby.”

• The Smart Find Remote Control Key Locator ($60, www.brookstone.com) comes with two color-coded key rings, two slim receivers you can stick to a TV remote or cell phone, and a wireless transmitter. Press the button on the transmitter that corresponds to the missing object and follow the loud (85 decibel) alarm to its hiding place. The Sound Activated Key Finder with Microlight ($14, www.gadgetbargains.com) attaches to your keys; it beeps and flashes when you clap, whistle, or shout.

• Instead of attaching your phone number or address to your key ring -- a bad idea, for obvious reasons -- try Codetag (individual labels, $2 to $3; variety packs, $15 to $45: www.codetag.com). This service provides labels or metal tags bearing an anonymous code number and the company’s toll-free number or e-mail address. Anyone who finds your keys can contact the company with the anonymous code, and the operator will then contact you with the finder’s name and number. You can also use Codetags on your cell phone, PDA, or camera. (The service is included in the price of the tag.)

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Have a (Healthy!) Heart

Heart disease kills more women than men in the U.S., and has for 20 years. How could we possibly lose almost half a million women each year in the U.S. to cardiovascular diseases (heart disease and stroke) and not hear more about it? The American Heart Association also reports that heart disease and stroke account for 40% of women’s deaths. And as a solo woman, you especially need to take care of yourself!

That’s almost 1,400 women every day—one every minute—10 times as many as we lose to breast cancer, and five times as many as to all cancers combined.  Forty percent of us – two of every five women – will get, and die from, cardiovascular disease. If you have a family history of heart disease, your risk is even higher.And if you are living alone, the risk is highest.

A new ad for the American Heart Association puts it simply: "go red. anyway you want...eat red -- apples, cherries, tomatoes. leave red kisses on someone's cheek. laugh so hard your face turns red. but whatever you do, do it for your heart ... make your own promise to be heart healthy."

Check with the American Heart Association (www.americanheart.org) for "The Learn and Live Quiz." Also, check out A Woman’s Guide to Saving Her Own Life, Mellanie Hills’ story and workbook designed to guide readers through the process of making permanent and life-saving changes after a heart attack. www.mellaniehills.com

And...

Stroke Symptoms? Call 911

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Domestic Violence --A Dirty Secret

Domestic violence is a dirty secret that many people like to ignore. They convince themselves it only happens to strangers, but the truth is that three women a day are killed by the hands of their husband or boyfriends.  Nearly one-third of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives according to the Family Violence Prevention Fund.

So why would a single woman stay with a man who is hurting her?

Aurea McGarry, successful entrepreneur and author of the new book I Won’t Survive...I’ll Thrive, believes that many women become stuck in physically and verbally abusive relationships because they don’t immediately recognize what’s happening.

“The first thing an abusive man does is separate his spouse from her friends and family and keep her isolated,” says McGarry.  “By the time you begin to understand that you’re in an abusive relationship, he’s cut out the legs of your support system.”

McGarry speaks from experience. Her first marriage to a pastor’s son ended badly. She says her ex-husband was physically and verbally abusive. Prior to their wedding when they were just dating, she misinterpreted his jealousy for attentiveness.

That naiveté is a contributing factor to the current epidemic of teen dating violence. Often, teenage girls don’t realize that their boyfriend’s behavior is abusive; they believe it is normal or a part of being in love.

Health experts point to the growing problem of teen domestic violence as a link in a vicious cycle.  An estimated three million American women are abused each year. Because children are witnessing verbal or physical abuse in their homes, they begin to believe it is acceptable.  Once they begin dating, many of them emulate the relationships they saw as kids.  

“I think we need to begin as early as elementary school, teaching children what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment of their fellow humans,” says McGarry.  “It should be instilled in young girls that violence is not acceptable and love is not supposed to hurt you.”

Another factor that often keeps women trapped—aside from fear—is a lack of self-esteem. Many may believe they deserve this type of treatment; that if they only did things better, the abuse would stop. McGarry says starting her own business gave her a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. The recognition she received from colleagues boosted her self-esteem and helped push her in a different direction; away from her husband. She says after leaving him, she came to an amazing realization: no matter what she tried doing to please him, it wouldn’t change his abusive ways.

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Hear it From the Guys: Post-Divorce Dating Tales

compiled by Chelsea Kaplan, courtesy of Happen Magazine

Single women know that it's scary getting out there again after divorce … but, according to these guys, once you summon your courage, you can learn some valuable lessons -- and enjoy the process even more than before.


It's Fun!
"I was surprised to find that dating in my 40s is actually a lot of fun. My theory is that it feels like I have been given a new lease on life, and I really appreciate having that second chance. I thought dating when I was a divorced 40something would be really boring -- like the 20 year-old singles are the ones who are supposed to have all the fun and the new experiences, but I now know I was wrong. Dating after divorce when you are older is like having the fun of your 20s, but the knowledge and maturity of your 40s, which is a great combo."
-- Steve, 45, Roslyn, N.Y.

Being Upfront About Your Needs Isn't a Deal-Breaker
"I've realized that being honest about what you are looking for in a mate is OK -- and even necessary. I think when I was single I was reluctant to express what I was really looking for when I went out on a date, because when I did, it sometimes would turn off a potential girlfriend. Now, however, I freely I express that I am looking to get married again because I know that a woman who doesn't want that isn't the one for me. Instead of being turned off by that honesty, I think women -- especially those who have been divorced before -- find it refreshing."
-- Charlie, 42, Westborough, Mass.

Hitting the Sheets Can Happen Fast
"I was sort of surprised to find out that getting physical with someone usually happens sooner than it did when I was dating the first time around. Before I got married, I found that most women would want to date for at least a month before we slept together. Now, I find it happens much sooner -- say, after a few dates. I've found that sex is much less of a big deal when you're older and dating the second time around."
-- Bradley, 40, Ellisville, Mo.

The Dates Are More Interesting
"When I was single, I remember all of my dates somehow involving alcohol and, to some degree, getting drunk. Most of my former dates involved going to bars or a friend's party. I find that now that I am older and the women I date are older too, we are more into doing things that are really interesting, like trying a cool new restaurant, going to an art gallery opening or seeing a play. The focus is so much less on alcohol, which really allows you to get to know a person better, I think. I think this new way of dating is much more appealing."
-- Richard, 37, Cincinnati, Ohio

The Ex Is a Factor
"I realized that unlike when you’re a non-married single, chances are that your date's ex continues to play a really big factor in her life, especially if she has kids. Sometimes she's still 'involved' with her ex in terms of caring for the kids or even financially in terms of expenses or because she's still settling things after a divorce. As a result, the ex often comes into the conversation -- or even comes over when you’re at her house! This isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something you'll have to sort of get used to. Most likely, there will be some 'baggage' -- on both of your ends, and it just takes getting used to."
-- Sean. 36, Racine, Wisc.

The Check Isn't Always the Man's
"Now that I'm back dating again, I am always pretty surprised to find out how many women these days offer to pay for dates -- or at least split the check. That never used to be the case; it was pretty much understood that the guy would pay and that a woman would rarely offer. Now, however, I find that a lot of women pick up the tab or at least offer to. I always like it when a woman offers to pay (even though I always like to pick up the check). It’s a nice expression of equality."
-- Elliot, 40, Fort Wayne, Ind.

You Have to Make Time For Dating
"I didn't know mow much effort I'd have to put into scheduling time for dating. I am a lot busier with my career than I was in my early 20s before I got married. Back then I had all sorts of time to meet women and go out. Now that I have a job that requires a lot of my time, not to mention the fact that I want to spend a lot of time with my kids, I really have to make sure I budget time for dating. It's really just like a lot of things in life -- if you want it to happen, you have to make the time for it to happen."
-- Don, 51, Sioux City, Iowa

The Games Aren't the Same
"I soon realized that the game-playing I remember from my earlier single days isn't as pronounced when dating after divorce. I've found that when I like a woman, I tell her, and I don’t wait three days or so just to call her … you know, to play hard to get or something like that. There's just less drama, which is nice. Who has time to deal with that kind of stuff?"
-- Carlos, 37, Midland, Texas

Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of www.thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.

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What All Solo Women Should Know About Retirement

Women worry with good reason: They outlive men. At age 60, a man has a life expectancy of 18.9 years. But a woman at age 60 now has a life expectancy of 23.1 years. Those four extra years of life will be expensive. And they'll come when you may have the least ability to make good decisions.

That's why it's important to start planning while you're in good health and when time is on your side. Here's what women must do as they approach retirement.

Take a Reality Check
Go to livingto100.com. Answer the questions about your eating and exercising habits, as well as genetic factors such as your parents' longevity. They even ask whether you floss your teeth every day! Then, with a click of your mouse, they'll predict how long you're likely to live -- and give you some advice for living longer. That's a great place to start your reality check.

Get a Good Financial Adviser (or Two)
You need a professional adviser you can trust. Or perhaps you need a team of advisers to do checks and balances on each other.

You'll also need an attorney who specializes in estate planning or elder law to create a will and revocable living trust, as well as a health care power of attorney and living will. Also, ask your own trusted tax preparer or accountant to review these decisions.

Ask questions. And don't fear getting different answers from your experts. We never fear asking two friends about whether a dress or shoes look good on us. It's really the same process with personal finances. So start asking questions about any advice you don't understand and trust your own good judgment as well as your advisers.

Consider Insurance and Tax Issues
I'm continually astounded and impressed that seniors can understand all the rules and regulations of Social Security and Medicare. It's worth spending some time at the Social Security and Medicare Web sites to learn about the system.

You should automatically receive information about Medicare enrollment about 90 days before your 65th birthday.

You'll also need a Medicare supplement program to cover expenses that Medicare doesn't pay for in full. Search for those at Web sites for the American Association of Retired Persons or Medicare. It's important to sign up for a supplement within the first six months of becoming eligible so you can't be turned down for the best and most inclusive Medigap supplement.

At the same time, sign up for Medicare Part D, the prescription drug program, which you'll need unless you're covered by a retiree prescription plan. Sign up immediately, even if you're not currently taking expensive prescriptions, by using the Web sites's "plan finder" tool. Doing so will help you avoid expensive monthly penalties later.

Just because you no longer work full time work doesn't mean you've retired from the income tax system. Check with your accountant to see whether you must file quarterly estimated tax forms and make deposits to cover taxes owed on your retirement income, and possibly on your Social Security income. And don't forget to check with retirement plan custodians for minimum withdrawal requirements which start at age 70-1/2.

Finally, consider long-term care insurance, because you don't want to be at the mercy of state Medicaid programs, which only provide services in nursing homes. LTC insurance gives you the choice of home health care or assisted living if you need it, as well as providing a care coordinator who can help you make decisions.

Planning for retirement is scary -- especially for a woman who expects to live out her final years alone. The only thing scarier than planning is the consequence of not planning while you can. And that's The Savage Truth.

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Surprise? Men Prize Good Looks in Mate

Science is confirming what most solo women know: When given the choice for a mate, men go for good looks.

And guys won't be surprised to learn that women are much choosier about partners than they are.

"Just because people say they're looking for a particular set of characteristics in a mate, someone like themselves, doesn't mean that is what they'll end up choosing," Peter M. Todd, of the cognitive science program at Indiana University, Bloomington, said in a telephone interview.

Researchers led by Todd report in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that their study found humans were similar to most other mammals, "following Darwin's principle of choosy females and competitive males, even if humans say something different."

Their study involved 26 men and 20 women in Munich, Germany.

Participants ranged in age from 26 to their early 40s and took part in "speed dating," short meetings of three to seven minutes in which people chat, then move on to meet another dater. Afterward, participants check off the people they'd like to meet again, and dates can be arranged between pairs who select one another.

Speed dating let researchers look at a lot of mate choices in a short time, Todd said.

In the study, participants were asked before the session to fill out a questionnaire about what they were looking for in a mate, listing such categories as wealth and status, family commitment, physical appearance, healthiness and attractiveness.

After the session, the researchers compared what the participants said they were looking for with the people they actually chose to ask for another date.

Men's choices did not reflect their stated preferences, the researchers concluded. Instead, men appeared to base their decisions mostly on the women's physical attractiveness.

The men also appeared to be much less choosy. Men tended to select nearly every woman above a certain minimum attractiveness threshold, Todd said.

Women's actual choices, like men's, did not reflect their stated preferences, but they made more discriminating choices, the researchers found.

The scientists said women were aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men, and adjusted their expectations to select the more desirable guys.

"Women made offers to men who had overall qualities that were on a par with the women's self-rated attractiveness. They didn't greatly overshoot their attractiveness," Todd said, "because part of the goal for women is to choose men who would stay with them"

But, he added, "they didn't go lower. They knew what they could get and aimed for that level."

So, it turns out, the women's attractiveness influenced the choices of the men and the women.

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Love & Sex: Are We Ever Too Old?

Just spend five minutes thumbing through a magazine or flipping through TV channels and you'll pick up on a running theme: sex and love are only for the young.  Most of us, at least until we reach our golden years, find it hard to believe that our parents and grandparents actually have sex. We shudder to think that the wizened and sometimes frail elderly people in our lives might actually think about sex, let alone engage in sexual activities.  But according to the National Center on Longevity, 39% of seniors would like more sex than they’re getting.And that includes solo women!

On movies or television, passionate love scenes are typically played out between young and ‘sexy’ actors.  Onscreen, sex between seniors is often fodder for comedy—we're conditioned to believe that as we age, our interest in sex wanes.  But wrinkles and gray hair don’t cause sexual desires to come to a screeching halt according to gerontology expert and author Nieli Langer. 

“Just because we get older our desire for intimacy doesn’t disappear,” says Langer.  “We have a real stumbling block in our country when it comes to recognizing that sexuality is a fundamental dimension of all human beings; whether you are 25 or 65, the need for love, sex and belonging are normal, natural and vital for life.” 

Iin her new book, Love & Sex: Are We Ever Too Old, she discusses hot-button issues such as why sexual relationships between residents of assisted living facilities or nursing homes can be a source of controversy, the hostility grown children may feel towards a parent’s paramour, and the need to recognize the significance of the bond between aging gay and lesbian couples. 

  “Sexuality is one of the least understood aspects of aging,” says Langer.  “Collectively, our religious backgrounds, family beliefs and sense of self contribute to the tendency to cloak our sexuality in secrecy.  The time has come to educate the general public about the sexual needs and feelings of older adults.”

With 78 million Boomers marching towards retirement, Langer believes they will play a pivotal role in changing attitudes about late-life love and relationships.  “When you look at their influence on civil rights, women’s rights and the Vietnam War, you can see how the Baby Boomers have shaped so many areas of life in America as we know it,” says Langer.  “Now, they are the best educated and largest cohort of older adults the world has ever seen.  They will be a driving force in liberating sexuality and showing the world that your love life doesn’t have to slow down as you get older."

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Clean Your Place in 19 Minutes

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Finding the Right Roommate

10 Warning Signs That He's a Loser

Solos Take Note!

He's never available when you call. If you've only gotten the machine whenever you call him, you gotta wonder what's going on. Sure, voicemail is there for when folks are too busy to pick up the phone, but come on, he's always too busy to answer?

That's a warning sign that this guy is not interested, especially if you're calling in the later hours. Believe us, no self-respecting single man is going to let a potential booty call go to voicemail.

He asks a lot of questions about past relationships and male friends.Beware of the interrogator. A guy who wants to know all about your dating past is either insecure, or he's looking for a reason not to date you.

Either way, all that prodding is going to make your early dating life way too stressful. It's totally up to you when you share the secrets of your dating past -- don't let anybody pressure you into revealing everything too soon.

Whenever he plans a date, it's always with you and the guys. Dates, unless they are pre-planned double dates, should only be you and the guy. Even Webster's dictionary says so, so that makes it official.

You need as much one-on-one time as possible when you're trying to get to know someone, so you should never get stuck entertaining him and his friends in the early stages. If it's not all about you in the beginning, then sadly, you will never be the center of his attention.

Between midnight and 6AM is the riskiest time for crashes, because there are fewer drivers yet more accidents than any other time of the day. Holidays and vacations may put you in situations where you want to drive through the night to get somewhere, but if you do intend to drive at night, there are some important considerations to keep in mind. Safe night driving requires preparation, alertness and a heavy dose of common sense.

Make sure your headlights are properly aimed. Check with your car's service manual or a professional for the proper procedure. Also make sure all other lights work.

Keep your headlights and windshield clean. Being able to see other cars and be seen by other drivers helps a lot! If it's bug season, stop and wipe them off at each break.

Don't overdrive your headlights. Especially when driving on smaller roads without reflector strips, follow a four-second rule. Take note of where the far reach of your low beams are, then count four seconds. If you pass that original place in less than four seconds, then you are going too fast. Two to three seconds may be an acceptable range for major highways with reflector strips. Remember that posted speed limits are for driving in daylight with dry road conditions.

Use high beams wisely. The use of high-beam headlights when there isn't oncoming traffic can extend the time that you have to react to hazards. Never use your high beams because the high beams of the oncoming car stay on. This will only increase the chances of a head-on collision.

Don't look at oncoming headlights. Focus on the edges of oncoming traffic and bright objects, as staring directly into headlights can blind you for up to five seconds until your eyes adjust.

Look around. Keep your eyes moving from side to side, rather than focusing only on the centerline and the road ahead, to help your eyes stay adjusted to the dark and avoid falling victim to "highway hypnosis," a state in which reaction time is greatly impaired.

Wear sunglasses during the day. Wearing sunglasses during bright days helps keep your eyes more sensitive for driving in the dark.

Always carry flares or reflectors for a breakdown. Keep them in a place where they can be easily accessed in an emergency.

If you're tired, get off the road and sleep. If you feel sleepy, caffeine can never be a substitute for sleep, nor is loud music or rolling down the windows. Pull over and rest, and stop every two hours for a break out of the car even if you're not feeling sleepy. Don't set out on a trip tired. Change your schedule and get some rest first.

Another important reminder: During the time of the year, when days suddenly get much shorter due to the end of daylight-saving time, more pedestrians are out walking in the dark during peak evening traffic hours. "Drivers have to be especially careful now, because pedestrian fatalities have been shown each year to quadruple during the period just after daylight-saving time ends," said Jim Rink of AAA Michigan, citing an American Journal of Public Health report. Remember to turn your headlights on by dusk and slow down!

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Staving Off Food Cravings

by Amy Lippman

My clients often come to me with cravings for sugar.  The cravings hit them in the afternoon or the evening (or both), and once they hit, they're almost impossible to ignore.  Does this sound familiar?

When we "give in" to cravings we often feel that we have failed because we did not have the willpower to say "no." Are cravings due to lack of willpower or discipline? I’d like to suggest that cravings are not a problem. They are critical pieces of information that tell you what your body needs.

The body is an amazing source of intelligence. It is always there for you, pumping blood, never skipping a heartbeat, digesting whatever food you put in it, and maintaining homeostasis. Is this reliable, intelligent bio-computer making a mistake by craving ice cream or a hamburger or chocolate?

The important thing is to understand why you crave what you crave. Perhaps your diet is too strict, devoid of essential nutrients. Perhaps you are living a lifestyle that's too boring or stressful. Your body tries to correct the imbalance by sending you a message: a craving. The key to stopping the craving is to understand what your body really needs.

The next time you have a craving, treat it as a loving message from your body instead of as a weakness. Try these steps to respond to your body:

• Drink a glass of water and wait ten minutes.
• Eat a healthier version of what you crave. For example, if you crave sweets, try eating more fruit and sweet or root vegetables.
• What's out of balance in you life? What happened just before you had this craving?
• When you eat the food you crave, enjoy it, taste it, savor it; notice its effects. Then you can be more aware, and free to decide if you really want it next time

If you're looking to punch up that paycheck, there are eight simple yet effective ways to boost your salary. Our career experts and real-life stories will show you how to prosper by speaking up for what you really want and actually getting it.

1. Ask for a raise: Do your homework by asking your HR compensation department for salary ranges within your position. Of course, you can't just trust their word on it. Check external sources as well such as salary.com

Sharon Winston, senior vice president and managing director of the San Jose, Calif., office of Lee Hecht Harrison, a global career services firm, notes you should be prepared for the talk with your boss. "Identify three of your strongest accomplishments within the organization or areas in which you took on extra responsibility," she says. "If you are still turned down, ask how you might improve in asking for a raise in the future."

2. Enhance your credentials with an advanced degree: According to Frank Mayadas, program director at the Alfred P. Sloan Foundation, a consortium of institutions and organizations committed to quality online education, higher education gives you the opportunity to fine-tune your skills or explore different professional paths, making you more marketable for higher paychecks in the future.

"Furthering education helps people further their careers." [With online learning] you don't have to be in a traditional classroom setting. With time and geographic constraints of juggling work and family, you can receive a quality education on your own terms."

3. Take advantage of tuition reimbursement: Instead of thinking of a pay increase as money in your pocket, think of the alternative: tuition money you're not paying out of pocket. For instance, Debra Wall-Czech made a breakthrough with her company's reimbursement policy by asking it to reimburse online classes.

"The company paid for campus classes, but initially was not willing to pay for them online. It changed the policy to include online after realizing the real difference is whether or not the classes are from an accredited university -- not if they were online or on campus."

4. Network: According to Deborah Brown-Volkman, president of Surpass Your Dreams, a career and mentor coaching company based in East Moriches, N.Y., and author of Coach Yourself to a New Career: A Guide for Discovering Your Ultimate Profession (iUniverse, 2003), networking is vital to increasing your intellectual capital.

The key to networking through associations, business groups or your local Chamber of Commerce is having a plan. "Know your 30-second introduction well, speak passionately about what you do, and don't spend too much time talking with one person," she advises. The intent is to meet as many people as possible and initiate correspondence with them soon after the event.

5. Move laterally: Alexandra Levit, author of They Don't Teach Corporate in College (Career Press, 2004) and founder of Inspiration@Work, a marketing communications consultancy firm based in Chicago, experienced this firsthand. Early in her public relations career, she explored internal opportunities and moved into another department, resulting in a bigger paycheck.

"If you're not moving up, it's probably in your best interest to leave." Alexandra also points out that even if your supervisor is supportive of a raise or increased responsibilities, there may be roadblocks. "Your boss might not have the power or authority even if he or she wants to."

6. Inquire about flextime: Flexible work arrangements allow you time to explore other options, perfect for helping your career both professionally and financially. When Alexandra transitioned from full-time public relations manager to strategic PR consultant and author, her amended work hours enabled her to push into a field that's made her much happier and thereby, more effective.

"I managed to achieve the flexible schedule I required while still generating a substantial income." She needed to devote time and energy to focus on her new business and budding writing career, so she approached the PR firm about working 25 hours per week. They obliged.

7. Think out of the box: "When Jane Smith resigned, she was surprised when her managing director made a counteroffer and asked her to put something on the table. Jane came back with her request: "I would consider staying with the company if I can move to the London office with a U.K. salary for at least six months," she told her.

Much to her surprise, leadership gave its blessing. Now she's ready to pack her bags. Lesson learned: Don't be afraid to ask for what you really want. As in Jane's case, you may very well get it.

8. Demonstrate consistent performance: Alexandra and Jane both ended up getting what they wanted because they had demonstrated excellent performance at their companies. Jane indicates she was prepared to share examples of her work to gain leverage, essentially proving hard work is mutually beneficial to both the employee and employer. Her philosophy? It's in the company's best interests to keep good people. "No one wants to train someone new," she explains. "The knowledge base and ramping-up time take away from productivity."

Above all, before jump-starting your negotiating power, you'll need to exude confidence to show you deserve what you're asking for in the first place. As per executive coach Dr. Ted Sun, professor at University of Phoenix, "The first thing you have to do is believe in yourself and your worth before you can convince someone else to believe in you."

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Writing a Perfect Personal Ad: Basics Every Single Needs

By Randy B. Hecht
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine

Your Headline
Browsing through your matches is like being in a room full of potential mates; with so many to choose from, you have to depend on first impressions. Your headline is one of the first impressions you make, so it had better be good!

1. Make it unique
"Looking For Love" or "Seeking My Match" is too generic and won’t set you apart from the crowd. Remember that your headline is one of the first things other members will see; set aside a few minutes to make it special or try these suggestions.

2. Be clever but clear
Don’t assume strangers will understand your sense of humor. "Clever Headline TBD" doesn’t give anyone a reason to read your profile. "Fat, Ugly And Stupid Seeks Thin, Gorgeous And Brilliant" doesn’t work either (would that make you want to click or move on?).

3. Be realistic
"Looking To Live The Fairy Tale Life" suggests that you need to get your feet back on the ground. Try not to set yourself up as an object of pity by using the words "lonely" or "desperate," as in "Lonely Lady Seeks LTR" or "Desperately Seeking Soulmate." Are you looking for someone who is lonely or desperate? Neither is anyone else. And surely there are more enticing ways to describe yourself!

Your Profile
Once your headline makes someone want to learn more about you, the trick is to keep his attention. Don’t feel like you have to sell yourself; just be open and honest. Ask a friend to help you write your profile, and have another friend read it afterwards. Keep the following advice in mind to help you create a winning profile.

4. Get to the point
Avoid beginning by complaining about how hard it is to write a profile or find a quality mate; everyone here has to do just that. Dive right into describing yourself and what makes you tick. If you get stuck, use these questions to get you started.

5. Focus on your strengths
Write about your hobbies, involvement in your community, interesting work or travels -- whatever it is that makes you special. Think about your ideal match, and write as though you’re talking specifically to that person.

6. Be realistic
The words you choose can alienate potential matches, so go easy on phrases like "drop-dead gorgeous" and "looking for the perfect mate." Set your expectations high, but keep them real too. Having trouble describing your ideal match? Try these suggestions.

7. Be open and conversational
How many times have you read a profile that tries to impress by using vocabulary-busting words -- words that inevitably are misspelled? It ruins the effect. Or maybe you’ve come across profiles that say too little, leaving you wondering why anyone would want to contact this person. Write enough to get your message across, but use words that would come out of your mouth normally. In short, just be yourself on a particularly good day.

8. Describe what’s important to you
Don’t be afraid to mention qualities that are important to you in a relationship; loyalty, the ability to communicate and listen, intelligence and humor are good examples. Put those qualities front and center, and avoid emphasizing characteristics that are less important to you. Give some thought to why your best relationships have worked well and why the worst worked so badly; maybe you’ll discover a pattern there.

9. Check your spelling and grammar
Your profile tells your potential matches what to expect from you in an offline conversation; it’s all anyone really has to determine your personality and your ability to communicate. Although it might be completely unfair to assume, misspelled words can make people judge you as being uneducated or illiterate. Take a few extra minutes to check your spelling. Try writing your profile in a word processing application first; run spell check, make corrections and copy the text into your profile.

10. Your Photo
Did you know that profiles with photos get up to 15 times more attention? And as with all other aspects of your profile, the photo you choose says something about you; make sure you’re delivering the message you intended.

11. Keep it real
Don’t be deceptive with your photo choice. That means not posting a photo from two years ago, right after you lost all the weight that you’ve since regained. And please, whatever you do, don’t use someone else’s photo instead of your own. Remember that you’re going to have to live up to the image you present, so make sure it resembles the real you.

12. It’s all about you
Choose a photo that features you by yourself. A group doesn’t make you the center of attention; in fact, it may even make it difficult for your match to determine who you are. Would you want to make it all the way to a first date only to find that your match actually was interested in your friend, the one who was third from the left?

13. Go in for your close up
Photos taken from a distance end up stealing the focus away from you. Even though you’re proud of your new car or boat or your recently acquired ability to hang glide, keep in mind that your matches want to see your face; they want to be able to associate what you look like with how you describe yourself in your profile.

14. Focus on quality
The attention your photo gets should be positive. Choose a good, clear, current close-up of your face as your primary photo; additional photos can include full body shots or pictures of you with your pet. Make sure the photo is well-cropped and doesn’t cut off the top of your head. And remember to smile!

More info: love@aol

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Looking for Mr. Goodwrench? Vital for Solos on the Go!

by Bengt Halvorson

Finding a good repair shop is one of the toughest tasks of car ownership, because there often isn't a good, clear choice. The key is, of course, to find a good, trustworthy mechanic before things go wrong. If you've already found a competent, honest mechanic, good for you. For the rest of us, here's how you might try:

Check your warranty
First, if your vehicle is newer and under warranty, you'll probably need the dealership to perform the repair if you want to make a warranty claim and have it performed at the expense of the manufacturer. Many new vehicles now come with comprehensive, three-year warranties that cover just about everything but routine oil-change servicing (some even cover that), and powertrain warranties now go as long as 10 years, so check with the warranty information that came with your vehicle.

Ask for recommendations
Ask friends, family, co-workers or acquaintances for recommendations. "One of the best ways to find a good repair shop is through word of mouth, just as you would find a good family doctor by asking around," says Pat Lampel of the National Institute for Automotive Service Excellence (ASE).

Check for accreditation
Look for accreditation from ASE, and an endorsement by the American Automobile Association (AAA). Up-to-date certification should be in clear display. Also check for individual mechanics' certification on display.

Look for cars similar to yours
Check which types of cars are parked outside for servicing. Are there any cars of your model and vintage? If your car is an older car, look for a shop that specializes in your make. If the shop isn't used to repairing your model vehicle, your repair may have to wait for special-order parts, and the mechanic may not know about common problems.

Test the shop with a minor repair
Test a potential repair shop by having them perform an oil change or other minor repair. If you're not satisfied with how they handle your minor repair, you shouldn't trust them for a breakdown or a major one. Remember, it's best to have a good mechanic chosen before you really need it.

Good service writers are important
A good service writer will patiently listen to your description of the problem, and ask you questions as you're explaining it (and take a drive out with you if necessary), then he or she will effectively communicate the problem to mechanics and technicians, provide an accurate, written estimate before the repair, and follow up with a talk-through on what was done. A good service writer will also always ask for your consent if the cost of the repairs goes beyond the predetermined amount. In fact, in most states, it's the law. Make sure you give the service writer, and the mechanic, if possible, the most information you can about the problem. Details such as when the car was last serviced and when a noise happens are important.

Ask about the warranty
Make sure there is a warranty on all repairs done by the shop, and make sure the shop's warranty covers parts and labor. Thirty days is the industry standard and the absolute minimum to accept; ninety days is good; and six months is a rare surprise. A good, reputable shop will stand behind the parts they install and will put in extra, free labor if you bring it back to make sure the job's done right.

Never choose a repair shop based on price
Many repair shops, including some with big national names, are infamous for using the bait-and-switch technique, advertising a $99 brake job that quickly becomes a $799 brake job once your car is on the rack and the estimate is written. It may cost less in the long run to bring your car to a mechanic who charges more but is honest and knowledgeable.

Take it to the right type of shop
Choose a good, independent repair shop that is accustomed to performing repairs to cars such as yours. Check that the shop normally performs the repairs you need. We-fix-everything, national-franchise repair shops usually aren't the best choice for specialized repairs, older cars or lesser-known foreign models. Look for a tidy appearance to the shop, clean, well-kept tools, and modern diagnostic equipment.

Is the shop busy?
Does it have steady business? Do other customers look satisfied with their work? What's your gut feeling about the way the place does business? These are good indicators that may help you choose. An out-of-the-way shop with a steady flow of business is a positive indicator.

Meet the mechanic
Get to know the actual mechanic, or technician, who works on your car. Establishing a dialogue with the mechanic will allow him or her to understand what kind of driving you do, your car's repair record, and what your expectations are.

Another helpful auto article: Choosing the Right Gas

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Casual Flings: Are They for You?

by Kimberley Dawn Neumann

To many solo women, "casual sex" may seem like a contradiction in terms: How can anyone stay laid-back about such an intimate act? Even so, a no-strings-attached fling (or "booty call" as some call it) is exactly the situation some people find themselves in at certain points in their life. If the opportunity presents itself, should you go for it? What's the best way to handle it without risking heartbreak?

"It would be silly to think that casual sex has no repercussions because this is going to impact you somehow," says Lou Paget, certified sex educator and author of The Great Lover Playbook. Luckily, though, there are things you can do to help keep that impact well within your comfort zone if you do decide to forge ahead. If you're thinking of exploring this romantic realm, consider this your primer.

Step #1: Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons
The first step, of course, is to gauge whether you can emotionally handle this sexual scenario. One easy way to do this is to imagine the aftermath. For example, if you sleep with someone and then the phone doesn't ring again, will you be shattered? "People sometimes believe they'll be fine with it, but then after the fact they think, 'Well, he should be calling me.' I say, 'Have a coffee, and wake up!'" says Paget. "If the only thing that is being presented is casual, that's what you're going to get." People who are generally impulsive might also want to hit pause and think about it before jumping in. "If you have a tendency towards falling quickly in love or experiencing post-fling guilt, it probably isn't for you," says Steve, 44.

Timing should also be a big factor in your decision-making, and many experts and single folk agree that people who've recently emerged from a breakup and who aren't ready for a commitment are prime candidates for casual encounters. As Deanne, 30, puts it, "Sometimes you want to be alone mentally, but with someone physically."

Step #2: Pick an appropriate partner
After you've taken measure of your own emotions, next up is to do the same for any potential partners: What makes someone an appropriate fling? "I see a tremendous amount of hooking up between friends or just people who like each other and got horny or drunk at a party together," says Joann Magdoff, a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City. "The thing to keep in mind is that whatever the relationship looks like when you say 'Hello,' it's not going to look like that in twelve hours or even in two weeks if you sleep together, so you have to be prepared for it to change."

One rule many experts and daters agree on is that you should steer clear of people you actually pine for. If you want to date this person, then do that--and if he or she isn't into dating you , settling for no-strings-attached sex is dangerous territory. On the other hand, complete strangers aren't ideal since they can be hard to trust. "I would find casual sex with a total stranger practically impossible," says Steve. "Although the idea is exciting, the reality is that the very best sparks can only occur when both parties feel safe and cared for." If you are going to have a casual encounter, most people we spoke to say that the best candidates are people you know and are attracted to but can't see leading to anything long-term, whether that's due to different personalities or life goals. "A good partner," says Deanne, "is someone who is excited to see you but then is just as happy to leave in the morning and you're OK if this person doesn't call again for a week or a month."

Step #3: Keep it safe--and communicate the rules
It's absolutely of paramount importance to keep a fling safe. "If you're adult enough to be having sex, you're adult enough to take responsibility for it--and that means protection," says Paget. "I listen to too many people tell me, 'Well, he was a nice guy and he had a great job, so I slept with him.' Seriously, what does that tell you?" So, make sure you have condoms handy (that goes for women as well as men). "Just because you have a condom in your wallet doesn't mean you have to have sex," cautions Magdoff. "However, you have no excuse for not having a condom with you because you don't know what might happen."

Protection from STDs and unwanted pregnancy shouldn't be your only concern. Since sex and emotional intimacy can easily get entwined, make sure both you and your partner are clear on your expectations. Magdoff suggests saying something along these lines: "I think you're cute, you think I'm cute... let's have a nice time and assume that's just what this is going to be." If you're definitely not open to having a relationship with this person, say so. "You don't have to marry them, you don't have to date them, you don't even have to call them if it's clear going in what you're doing... but you should be kind to them," points out Magdoff. In other words, if you're intimate with someone, there needs to be mutual courtesy before, during and after the encounter (yes, that even includes when you run into each other weeks later unexpectedly at a bar). If anything makes you think that respect won't be there, it's probably not a good idea to follow through.

Step #4: Know what to do if stronger feelings develop
So what happens if you suddenly start to feel a little more strongly toward this person? "Feelings always develop because sex is an intimate act and you become more attached to the person one way or another," says Padraic, 37. "At the very least, if the sex is good, you become attached to that." Samara, 26, agrees with this theory: "At first my casual relationship with this guy seemed perfect, but after a while I did want more... not a relationship per se, but I just wanted to feel like we were dating, where we'd do the holding-hands thing and fall asleep in each other's arms," she says. "I eventually interpreted my wanting this from him as the onset of stronger emotions, so I decided to send him an email saying my feelings were headed in another direction, and he probably didn't reciprocate, so this was a good time to end it--and that was that."

But what about the possibility of shifting from fling to real thing? There are exceptions to every rule, but in most cases, it's really difficult to go from a purely physical relationship to an emotionally committed one. But if you think there's potential, there's no harm in saying so with a simple "Hey, I know we agreed to keep things casual, but I'm starting to develop feelings for you and would like to try dating. What do you think?" After all, you have little to lose--and plenty to gain.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in such publications as Cosmopolitan, Fitness, and Marie Claire, and she frequently contributes to Happen.

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Why He’s Not the Marrying Type